Why attachment styles and people pleasing are more than just therapy buzzwords

Understanding our behaviour patterns is helpful—but it doesn’t reveal the deeper emotional story that is often the missing link

Normalising therapy language is a good thing

I am all for therapy language becoming the norm, I really am. I think we are lucky to live in a time where therapy content and psychological information is free and accessible, and this is having a positive effect on normalising conversations about mental health.

I love when clients have a good understanding of their own emotional health and how it is connected to their early experiences. Whilst this isn’t essential for good therapy, it’s a helpful starting point. It can often mean that the individual’s inner work has already started, and that we are beginning our work from a more developed place. It can also mean that the client is already very engaged and care deeply about understanding themselves better – another good starting point.

But Instagram isn’t therapy

But what is becoming more and more problematic is the abundance of therapy-related content in Instagram and Tik Tok that is coming from unqualified sources. I often get asked my take on phrases and terms that clients have seen on social media or heard on podcasts and have taken as gospel, without realising that this content is created for a mass market and is often focused on pushing engagement. It therefore doesn’t take their individual experience into account - unlike personal therapy.

People pleasing: a helpful label, but just the beginning

People pleasing is a perfect example. It’s a term that resonates with a lot of people, and that’s a good thing. Becoming more aware of our patterns of behaviour is great and when we do this, we start to put healthier boundaries in place and prioritise our own healing. Being a people pleaser is a totally adequate explanation for many people who supress their own needs for the sake of others and people who will prioritise being liked and avoiding conflict at all costs.

But what is often overlooked is the next step – what does it mean for an individual who has identified that they are a people pleaser? What is the root cause, and would it be helpful to understand this in order to really undo some of the more unhelpful behaviour patterns? It feels like saying ‘I’m a people pleaser’ it is seen as a fully formed explanation, rather the start of an important line of enquiry.

In counselling, we try to explore what lies beneath the surface and identify patterns of behaviour that may be hindering rather than helping the individual. We look at their history and what may be getting in the way of embedding healthier patterns of behaviour.

Attachment styles: popular psychology with real limitations

Attachment styles are another example. Attachment theory was developed by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1930s, who observed that the way children relate to their primary caregiver and how ‘securely attached’ they are, will determine how they relate to others. Attachment styles were later borne out of a study by Mary Ainsworth in the 1960s, who furthered Bowlby’s attachment theory and identified four key attachment styles that explain the different ways children respond when their primary caregiver leaves them for a period of time and later returns:

• Secure attachment

• Anxious attachment

• Avoidant attachment

• Disorganised attachment

These attachment styles have become highly popularised, with books like Attached which claim to help people understand their romantic history and help them find and sustain love. It’s become the norm for people to use online quizzes to identify their attachment style, which then informs who and how they date.

This is all helpful for people to understand more about their inner world and how they relate in their outer world. But it isn’t a catch-all and it wont help you with the deeper emotional work.

Attachment theory was designed to look at babies and how their early experience with their primary caregiver shapes how they relate to others, and later positioned as the cornerstone of how people relate to others into adulthood. It was never designed as a tool to understand your romantic relationships in adulthood.

Whilst ‘Attached’ was written more recently, it was done so through a heteronormative, monogamous lens, which doesn’t reflect the full spectrum of relationships in 2025. Online quizzes also don’t take into account how our attachment styles change over time and how we can move between attachment styles depending on who our attachment figure is.

So the key here is nuance and context.

Why context matters more than content

When you’re scrolling the abundance of psychological information out there, remember it is not designed to be specific to you and your individual experience. The therapy buzzwords will pull you in, so by all means take the helpful bits with you, but do so with a pinch of salt.

I realise not everyone is in a position to have access to personal therapy, and I wouldn’t discourage anyone from reading up on psychological principles, especially if they help you understand your inner world better. But please be mindful of who you are listening to out there and what their content is designed to do.

Final thought: stay curious about what may be underneath

Therapy language becoming more common is a good thing — but real growth comes when we use these ideas as starting points, not finish lines. If you’ve found a label that resonates, stay curious. There’s often a deeper emotional story underneath that’s waiting to be explored.

If you'd like to explore your own emotional patterns in a deeper, more personal way, therapy can be a meaningful next step.