The comparison trap: why we compare ourselves to others and how to step out of it

It's very easy to look around and feel as though everyone else is doing better than you.

Someone is getting married. Someone else is having a baby. Someone has bought a house, changed career, started a business, travelled somewhere amazing or somehow found the time to get really fit.

You might be perfectly happy with your own life, and then you see someone else's and suddenly wonder whether you're falling behind.

But behind what?

We're seeing more of other people's lives than ever

Social media means we're constantly exposed to other people's lives. But we're not necessarily seeing their lives as they really are.

We're seeing what they've chosen to share.

Even when people are being honest, vulnerable or messy online, that content is still curated. It's a moment they've chosen to make visible. We rarely see the boring, difficult, uncertain or complicated parts that sit alongside it. We never see the content that sits in their drafts and never gets posted.

So we're often comparing our whole life, including all the things we worry about privately, with carefully selected pieces of someone else's.

It's not surprising that this can leave us feeling as though we're not doing enough.

The feeling of being left behind

Comparison can create a sense that there's a timeline we're supposed to be following.

If you're single, you might feel behind people who are in relationships. Then perhaps you feel behind people who are getting married. Then behind people having children, buying houses or progressing in their careers.

There always seems to be another milestone to reach.

And once you reach one, there can be another one waiting. And another one after that. It’s relentless and exhausting.

The difficulty is that there isn't actually one correct order in which a life has to happen. There isn't a universal timeline that tells us when we're supposed to have reached particular milestones, or even a rule that we need to hit those milestones at all.

But comparison can make it feel as though there is.

Comparison isn't always a bad thing

It's easy to talk about comparison as though we should simply stop doing it. But comparison can sometimes tell us something useful.

You might see someone doing something and realise that you genuinely want to make a change in your own life.

Perhaps you want to travel more. Perhaps you miss being creative. Perhaps you're unhappy at work. Perhaps seeing someone else build a different kind of life makes you realise that you'd like to build something different too.

That's useful information. The question is, what you do with it?

Does seeing someone else's life help you understand something about your own, or does it leave you feeling that you're not good enough?

Does it encourage you to move towards something that matters to you, or are you simply trying to catch up with where you think you should be?

Whose life are you actually trying to live?

This is where comparison can become particularly unhelpful.

We can spend a lot of energy chasing things because we believe we're supposed to want them. But sometimes what we're chasing is the approval, security or sense of belonging that we imagine will come from having them.

Other people's expectations and judgements can become so familiar that we mistake them for our own.

Sometimes stepping out of the comparison trap means getting curious about what is genuinely meaningful to you, rather than automatically reaching for the next thing you're told you should want.

When comparison becomes self-criticism

Comparison becomes more painful when it stops being about curiosity and starts becoming a judgement of ourselves.

These thoughts rarely motivate us in a helpful way. More often, they leave us feeling inadequate, anxious or dissatisfied with a life that might actually contain many things we value.

And the more dissatisfied we feel, the more likely we may be to look outside ourselves for evidence that we're doing okay.

That can become a difficult cycle.

Life is already hard enough

There are also times when comparison simply adds another layer of pressure to an already difficult life.

Life can be demanding. Work, money, relationships, family, global uncertainty and everything else we're carrying can already take a huge amount of energy.

Sometimes, simply keeping the show on the road takes more effort than anyone else can see.

When you're already stretched, constantly comparing your career, relationships, finances, appearance or lifestyle with other people's can make things feel even harder.

You don't need to turn comparison into another thing you're failing at.

Sometimes looking after yourself means protecting your peace, stepping away from the things that make you feel inadequate and giving yourself some credit for everything you're already managing.

Coming back to your own life

The aim isn't necessarily to stop noticing other people's lives.

Other people can inspire us. They can challenge us, give us ideas and sometimes show us something we didn't realise we wanted.

But their lives don't need to become the blueprint for ours. When you notice yourself feeling behind, it might be worth pausing and asking what you really want and what might you actually be judging yourself for? Sometimes the answers may be helpful in determining what to do next.

Life isn’t linear

When looking at someone else’s life and using it as a reason to be critical of your own, think about what it may really feel like to be in their shoes. What hidden parts of themselves may be causing pain that you can’t see, and equally, what might other people be envious of your life? Comparison and envy often go hand in hand, but it’s very often a two-way street.

We are all on different paths and trajectories. We don’t always know someone’s journey to getting to today, and we don’t know what may happen to their tomorrow. So sometimes the kindest thing we can do is give ourselves grace and come back to our own lives, and in doing so, decide if the comparison is really telling us that something needs to change - be it a life decision, or simply how we talk to ourselves.

A meaningful life doesn't have to look like anyone else's. It just has to feel like yours.